When Crying it Out Doesn’t Work

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You just want, or need, some sleep.

Perhaps your little one is just reaching a sleep training age and you’re ready for some shut-eye, but you can’t bear to try the cry-it-out-thing with your precious angel.

Maybe, your little one has a heart condition and the doctors have warned you about letting your child cry for too long, or too hard.

That was me, but then, even when we did try some crying, it ended poorly. Literally, every time my son cried for longer than about 2 minutes (whether at bedtime or for anything) he would throw up. Crying it out isn’t worth it when it means several extra loads of laundry, extra baths and showers and even less sleep than before.

I read every book. Searched the internet for any ideas to help. But every method involved crying of some sort. Even the ones that claimed they weren’t crying it out had some version of crying.

Don’t get me wrong, I understand that crying is okay sometimes. I even was all for letting my kid cry it out, if it meant learning important lessons. But it wasn’t working. And I was sick of cleaning up vomit trying.

Fast forward two years later, and, to be honest, sleep is still imperfect. But we’ve made significant strides. We get several nights a week with no interruptions. But we also have bad nights on a regular basis. I think that’s parenthood though. I anticipate bad dreams and wet beds and sick kids for years to come.

But we’ve made it to having several good nights per week, and it’s awesome. I feel like celebrating every time!

Here’s what we did, instead of crying, to get to the relatively slumberous nights we’re having these days.

Snuggle Them Close

My son almost never cried if I was holding him. And particularly if he was nursing. So we snuggled. I nursed him as long as he wanted. We snuggled up together and I held him. I did everything I could to help him feel safe, secure, and loved. The pediatricians at the hospital had assured me you couldn’t spoil a newborn, and so I snuggled him.

Do What it Takes to Survive

Having read all the parenting books out there, and reading all the pediatric recommendations, I swore we wouldn’t co-sleep. But you know what we did for the first 18 months of his life? We co-slept.

Some kids will sleep with the vacuum on. Others in their car seat. Some just love their bouncy chair. Some only fall asleep in the stroller. If your kid will fall asleep, do it. If it means going for a drive every night for bed, do it.

Everyone on the planet has a million things you should try, advice for every situation. Doctors and experts have done studies and screened for safety. Your mom has years of experience. But you know what? Everyone is different. You have to do what works for you. And you’re the only one that can figure out the best thing for you. You might even break some of those expert rules. That’s okay. Because sometimes survival is the only important thing.

Survival might also mean figuring out how to function on no sleep. I have a couple of good friends with a serious caffeine addiction which they cultivated during the teach-your-child-to-sleep years. Take naps, drink soda. Worry about nutrition or losing weight or whatever later, when you’re better rested. For now, get through the tough times.

Do what it takes to survive. Even if it’s something you swore you wouldn’t.

Make Small Changes

We starting with co-sleeping. As our son grew and started kicking us out of our bed, we put a toddler bed right next to our bed. He never made it into the lovely crib we have (luckily, our second-born is a great sleeper and has already used it more!) We were still waking several times a night to feed/reassure/snuggle. And there were so many nights where he was only in the toddler bed about half the night, and the other half my sweet husband retreated to the couch.

Eventually, he was sleeping the whole time in the toddler bed and got to only waking 2ish times a night. This seemed like a monumental triumph!! I was finally getting several hours consecutively, in my own bed, without a little human next to me!

Once we’d given him a few weeks in the toddler bed, we set him up in a big boy bed in his room. Again, we skipped the whole crib thing. He got a double bed and these awesome bed rails and we slowly transitioned to a new room. I probably slept the majority of the time in his bed with him, but it worked. By about 20 months old (when our second came along) he was sleeping in his bed in his room. He still woke up a couple of times a night. He often needed some milk and some reassurance to get back to sleep. But we’d made progress.

Have Routines

With all those small changes, set up routines. Cues, that tell your child consciously and subconsciously that it’s time to sleep.

It took us awhile, but we finally got in the habit of bedtime baths. I really felt like the water woke him up, got him all riled up. But usually he needed a bath and it’s so much easier to sleep when you’re clean. Plus there’s the science of your body temperature dropping after a bath which helps you get sleepy.

If not baths, whatever works for you, but be consistent. Baths, jammies, prayers, stories, songs, snuggling. That was our routine.

Soothing Sounds

We love our Amazon Echo, and my boys always fall asleep listening to music or peaceful sounds. Sometimes we play rain sounds, sometimes we listen to Mozart. Peaceful, soothing, non-vocal tunes.

We started doing this because we wanted the music to set the tone. To quiet them down and soothe them into sleep.

Now, though, the biggest benefit to music is the white noise effect. It screens out other noise. Helps them sleep while other things are happening. Lets Mom slip away without waking them up when she accidentally hits the squeaky part of the floor.

Besides being a part of the routine to get to sleep, it’s definitely helped to keep them asleep!

Set the Scene

Black-out curtains are in our room and the kids’ room. He has bedding he likes (he chose PJ Masks) and he helped make up his bed. Warm, clean pajamas. Full belly. Everything ready for a good night’s sleep.

Eventually, we started using lavender shampoo and I swear it gave me my first ever full night’s sleep!

And get them in bed. One of the secrets I’ve learned with my son is letting him choose what toys are going to wait for him while he sleeps, and which are going to come sleep with him. It often means removing a bunch of toys from the bed after he’s asleep. But it’s a small price to pay! And I set them close by on the floor for him to see waiting for him when he wakes up!

Be Patient-With Them and With Yourself

Learning to sleep, to stay asleep and self-soothe is hard stuff. There are millions of adults who can’t do it and seek all kinds of sleep aids to solve the problem. Your little one will get better and better. They will learn.

And by the same token, it’s hard to teach someone something so instinctive. You’re not a bad parent just because your kid doesn’t understand sleep–yet. They will. You’re both doing well.

Things will change, too. After months of only wanting Mommy, tonight my son refused to lay down for me. But he hopped up next to Daddy, snuggled in a blanket and started snoring. And I said a little prayer of gratitude that he’s learned something about sleep.

Most importantly, it will get better. You will sleep again someday.