Serve by Listening

Have you ever felt like the person you were talking to wasn’t actually listening to you? Yeah? Not fun. While there are things to do to be a more engaging, active speaker (not to mention lots of ways to make sure you have someone’s attention before speaking to them!) we have more control over becoming a better listener.

Listening is a skill we don’t often work to cultivate, and yet it’s power is enormous. Listening is an act of service that can always be administered. Not to mention, listening is a service many that we serve need along with whatever service we think we’re providing. It’s a talent cornerstone to every relationship we have. And it doesn’t cost a thing.

Cultivate listening in your life. Increase your abilities by implementing these strategies.

Make Eye Contact

This tells the speaker that you’re listening. Demonstrate through your body language that you care about what they are saying and encouraging them to continue. Point your whole body in their direction, look at them and try to listen intently.

But watching their eyes can also help you understand their words. Watch their eyes, their facial expressions, their hands, to decipher their whole meaning. Listen with more than just your ears.

Eliminate Distractions

By now you know you should put your phone away. Silence it or turn it off if you have to. Turn the television off. Stop making dinner. Stop typing. Find a way to tune out the conversations around you.

Depending on the conversation, it may be important enough to reschedule the discussion for a better time to listen or to move it to a better environment for listening. Sometimes it’s spontaneous and can’t be moved, but look around for a place to side-step to for a quieter spot, more privacy, or whatever you need to listen more attentively.

Ask Questions

Make sure you understand. If something doesn’t make sense, make sure you understand before moving forward. That doesn’t mean inserting a response in the middle of their thought, but just a simple question to ask them to expound or simplify.

Plus, asking questions helps the speaker feel like you are engaged and care about them.

Don’t Interrupt

This sounds like a no-brainer, but it’s more than just not interrupting a sentence. Make sure they’ve gotten their entire thought out. Or maybe it’s several thoughts.

Sometimes we rush into to answer, help, or give some other service with our response when there’s a good chance the only help actually needed was a listening ear.

Don’t Worry About Your Response–Yet

Sometimes (okay, A LOT of times!) I miss something the speaker is telling me because I’m crafting my response. Letting the speaker finish their thought before responding means both out loud and mentally.

There’s a stereotype out there that women just want to vent, to talk about the problem instead of rushing to solve it. But this can apply to everyone. Men, women, and children sometimes just want to talk about something in order to sort out their feelings. I’m a bit of a verbal processor, so responding early when I”m processing still doesn’t solve the problem, because my problem is not what I’m talking about but what I’m feeling about what I’m talking about. So let them process a bit.

Perhaps they’re done processing now and asked something of you. If you need more time to respond, ask simple questions to continue the conversation. Perhaps you’re even asking simple questions in your mind as you formulate a response, so ask them out loud instead.

Or simply ask for more time. “You’ve made some very good points which I want to consider carefully. Could we meet tomorrow for lunch to discuss this further?” Or maybe it’s your child, “I understand what you’re asking, let’s get you ready for bed and continue talking about this.”

Embrace the Pause

If you’re not thinking about your response and you’re not interrupting, there will likely be pauses in your conversation. Don’t fear those pauses, but embrace them.

The speaker may fill in the pause with more information. Or you might have the time to compose the perfect response.

Smile

You know that movie, Win a Date with Tad Hamilton? Topher Grace and Kate Bosworth can list each other’s types of smiles. We all have different smiles. Some conversations are solemn or sad or concerning, and as such, don’t use your excited-for-the-day smile for those conversations, but instead use your I-care-about-you smile. But smile. Tell the speaker you care. And if your excited-for-the-day smile is appropriate, go wild with it!

Listening isn’t Agreeing

It may seem like listening intently, not interrupting and pausing before responding is implicit agreement. It’s not. If it’s a good conversation, you’ll have time to express your views and engage in discussion and still be able to listen in the meantime.

Why Are You Listening?

Remember why you’re listening to the speaker. Is it your spouse or child and you love and care about them? Maybe it’s your professor lecturing on material that will be tested? Is it your religious leader whom you respect and believe will help you become a better person? Or is it some stranger who’s stopped you in the mall trying to sell you something?

If there’s a good reason you’re listening, that reason may help prompt you to pay attention. If there’s not a good reason to listen, politely exit the conversation…you’re not going to listen anyway!

Play a Game and Practice

Every time my Dad went over to visit a neighbor, he played a game to see how quickly he could turn the conversation back to the neighbor. This guy was a master conversationalist and always managed to turn the conversation to my Dad and our family. It became almost a battle of wills to see who could get the other to talk about themselves more. Play that game. See if you can go without talking about yourself for a few conversations.

Good conversations have significant input from both sides, but try this to see just how much you want to add to a conversation, and to practice listening. You might be surprised.

Listen Like the Savior

In case you needed another reason to listen, refer to the ultimate example for everything, Jesus Christ. One of my favorite instances of Him listening is when he encounters the two men on the road to Emmaus, talks with them and listens to them. He participates in the conversation but says so little the men don’t even realize who He is. But the Savior listens to them, to their concerns. Listen closely to those around you, and serve as the Lord would, through listening.

And, behold, two of them went that same day to a village called Emmaus, which was from Jerusalem about threescore furlongs.
And they talked together of all these things which had happened.
And it came to pass, that, while they communed together and reasoned, Jesus himself drew near, and went with them.
But their eyes were holden that they should not know him.
And he said unto them, What manner of communications are these that ye have one to another, as ye walk, and are sad?
And the one of them, whose name was Cleopas, answering said unto him, Art thou only a stranger in Jerusalem, and hast not known the things which are come to pass there in these days?
And he said unto them, What things? And they said unto him, Concerning Jesus of Nazareth, which was a prophet mighty in deed and word before God and all the people:
And how the chief priests and our rulers delivered him to be condemned to death, and have crucified him.
But we trusted that it had been he which should have redeemed Israel: and beside all this, to day is the third day since these things were done.
Yea, and certain women also of our company made us astonished, which were early at the sepulchre;
And when they found not his body, they came, saying, that they had also seen a vision of angels, which said that he was alive.
And certain of them which were with us went to the sepulchre, and found it even so as the women had said: but him they saw not.
Then he said unto them, O fools, and slow of heart to believe all that the prophets have spoken:
Ought not Christ to have suffered these things, and to enter into his glory?
And beginning at Moses and all the prophets, he expounded unto them in all the scriptures the things concerning himself.
And they drew nigh unto the village, whither they went: and he made as though he would have gone further.
But they constrained him, saying, Abide with us: for it is toward evening, and the day is far spent. And he went in to tarry with them.
And it came to pass, as he sat at meat with them, he took bread, and blessed it, and brake, and gave to them.
And their eyes were opened, and they knew him; and he vanished out of their sight.
And they said one to another, Did not our heart burn within us, while he talked with us by the way, and while he opened to us the scriptures?
And they rose up the same hour, and returned to Jerusalem, and found the eleven gathered together, and them that were with them,
Saying, The Lord is risen indeed, and hath appeared to Simon.
And they told what things were done in the way, and how he was known of them in breaking of bread.

Luke 24:13-35