How to Stop Comparing
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I have a sister who is 14 months younger than me. She’s the best. One of my dearest friends, and always has been. She’s also always been one of my biggest competitors.
Both of us have always been pretty nerdy. Pretty academically inclined. And whatever I accomplished in school, she came along and either met or exceeded my accomplishments the next year.
Needless to say, I’ve always struggled with comparing myself to her.
My sister succeeding, accomplishing things, and carving out happiness in her life makes me happy. I love her so much, and I’m so proud of her. She’s so smart and has accomplished so much. There’s really no reason I should feel threatened by her or feel the need to compete. But knowing that doesn’t mean it’s easy to do. Here are some strategies I’ve used to stop comparing.
“A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle.”
– James Keller
Keep Perspective
One of the problems with comparison is that you’re comparing your worst parts with someone else’s best parts. It’s apples and oranges. I’ve never had a swim lesson in my life, so of
Know and Invest in Your Strengths and Successes
Instead of focusing on the areas that you think you’re deficient, focus on what you can do well. And do it REALLY well. You’re a good listener? Refine those skills, put them to work. Maybe teach others. You’re a good runner? Focus on how you can be a better runner. What exercises can you do to strengthen your legs and core?
Focusing on your strengths is easier on your ego than focusing on your weaknesses.
Live With Purpose
Don’t do things because you should. Don’t do things because you’re scared. Live intentionally.
I’m REALLY good at doing things out of guilt. A lot of us are, so I’m in good company! But doing something because you feel guilty if you don’t do it is a rough way to live. Find an exercise that feels rewarding rather than going for that run because you think you should. Read the stories you LOVE to your children, as well as the ones they love.
There are going to be things you have to do, but so much of the time, we CAN control some of the variables to make it happen on our terms. Do the things you have to (in the best way you can) and aim to leave plenty of time for accomplishing what you want to.
Everyone Here Is Imperfect
Just because that other guy looks perfect doesn’t mean he is. Remember that. No one is perfect. The only perfect being was Jesus Christ. Everyone else is imperfect. We’re all here together trying to become perfect.
And by the same token, be kind. No one is perfect, but pretty much everyone is trying. Don’t bash others’ efforts. Compliment, encourage and cheer.
Don’t Live With Regrets
Find a way to be proud of everything you’ve done, instead of regretting it. How you tell yourself your story matters. If there are parts of your past you don’t like, gloss them up. Re-write them as glowing learning experiences instead of harsh snapshots of the past. You didn’t fail but found a thousand ways NOT to make a light bulb.
My sister-in-law recently told me she hated when people apologized for a life path that she took, whereas she has decided to be proud that she rose about that path and overcame it for a better path. Whatever choices you may not be proud of, be proud you overcame those choices. You climbed your Everest, wear your success proudly.
Re-Write the Story
But even more importantly, seize the time you have left and change the ending.
Maybe your life story is coming along well and you like where it’s going. If that’s you, great, keep writing. If not, go back to the drawing board. Brainstorm a new storyline. Cinderella’s little mouse friends made her a dress to go the ball and then it was destroyed. Thankfully, the story didn’t stop there. Her Fairy Godmother stepped in and brought an even more beautiful dress. God wants to bless you with your desires. If the ending you want seems impossible, take the story to Him for help.
You Don’t Have an Accurate Picture
Same goes for all of life. That super happy Pollyanna on Instagram? Doesn’t necessarily have the picture perfect life you see. In fact, she probably has just as many concerns and stresses as you do, if not more.
Take Note instead of Comparing
When I take note that my sister is amazing and use her actions as inspiration and a template for my life, it’s easier not to compare.
For years I envied my sister’s life as a mom. Being a mom was something I really wanted but hadn’t achieved. I couldn’t just snap my fingers and become a mom at whim, but I could love my little nieces and nephews and practice on them. I paid attention to what my sister did and how she connected with her kids and forged my own connections with them.
Now, I’m a mom too and it would be easy to compare and say, “Wow, she’s an awesome mom…I’m never going to be that good!” Instead, I try to take note. She is a great mom with great ideas, and I’m all about stealing those ideas. Plaigarism is totally okay here. What she does isn’t evidence that I’m a bad mom, but ideas for how I can be awesome too.
We’ll never be the same kind of mom, and that’s okay. But some of her best tips and tricks are worth testing and adopting.
Get Off Social Media
I love keeping in touch with everyone. I love seeing the fun things they’re doing. But some days, it’s too much. Sometimes I don’t need to know that all the “awesome” moms took their kids to the pool today…and I didn’t. Or that everyone in my circle seems to fit beautifully into their swimsuits…while mine
Everyone (including YOU!) puts their best face on social media. Take some time off from it. Whether it’s a month-long
No One Is Superior
Pretend you’re holding a rose and sunflower bouquet. Both flowers are lovely, though very different. Which is the “better” flower? The rose usually gets more attention…at weddings, Valentine’s, etc. But the sunflower is still as beautiful. One of the hardest parts of comparisons is that it feels that one side must be better than the other. When you feel you don’t measure up, determine what kind of equally wonderful flower you are and bloom and blossom.
Compare to Yourself
If you feel you ABSOLUTELY must compare, compare to yourself. Compare
Be Grateful for and Focus on the Important Things (AKA, Lay Up Treasure)
Really, though, stop looking at yourself. Look at the treasures and blessings you have in your life. Your spouse, your kids, your dog, your parents, your nieces and nephews, your home, your job. You have