How to Say No Politely and Effectively

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Volunteers are needed for the employee engagement committee at work, and your boss asks you if you’re interested. But you already are on the employee holiday committee, the quality engagement team and frankly, you really need some time to get through your own inbox.

Or maybe it’s your child’s school teacher asking if you can come help with the class party on Friday, which happens to be the only day you were able to schedule that long overdue dental cleaning and you did help with the last class party. And yeah, dental cleanings aren’t life or death, but they do make you feel better.

It’s not that you don’t want to help. In fact, you all too often are more than happy to pitch in. But sometimes, you can’t. Sometimes, you shouldn’t. Sometimes there are other priorities. Sometimes those other priorities are super important. Sometimes those priorities are simply making some breathing room.

I hate saying no. I hate having to tell my son he can’t have something or do something. I hate having to tell other people I can’t help them.

So I usually end up over-extending and killing myself trying to accomplish everything to avoid saying no.

And that’s no way to live!

It’s taken time, a lot of support and practice, but I’m getting better at saying no. Here are my strategies:

You Don’t Owe Anyone an Explanation

I used to think that if I WAS going to say no, I had to explain why I couldn’t say yes. Surely they’d understand the logic, making the whole no-thing much easier. But nothing more needs to be said. No is enough. Or if you want to cushion it, say, “I’m sorry that won’t work for me.” You don’t need to tell the person asking for something WHY it’s no.

Release Yourself From Guilt

Actually, you do owe someone an explanation: yourself. You said no for you. Or your family. Or for whatever reason. But don’t repeat this conversation over and over in your mind. Take peace in knowing you’re confident, kind, amazing and in control. And move on.

Be Polite

There’s almost never a good reason not to include an “I’m sorry” or a “Good Luck” or some other such courtesy.

Ask Questions

Get all the information. Ask questions before answering. My husband has a truck which means people like to ask for help moving things. On more than one occasion asking questions have both clarified the job for us and made the person asking rethink the favor.

“So you want us to drive the truck 30 miles to where you live to transport a bed two blocks away?”

Suddenly this request sounded really silly to our friend, and they said, “You know what? I think I can probably find someone closer to help!”

Stall

For almost any calendar item, I usually need to check with someone. My husband, a babysitter, a boss, someone. “That’s a possibility, but I’ll need to check with my husband.” This works great for the random person you saw in the grocery store who probably won’t follow up and you have never run into before.

Remember, though, that for most people it doesn’t end there. The no may still have to come out. But sometimes this is still easier because by then you have talked to your husband and he reminded you of six good reasons why you should say no.

Have a Scapegoat

You don’t owe anyone an explanation, but sometimes it’s kind.

When my mother was in high school, if someone called to talk to her whom she didn’t want to talk to, she went and stood in the bathtub so my grandmother could truthfully say, “I’m sorry, but she’s in the tub and can’t come to the phone right now”.

Kids, it turns out, are awesome scapegoats for commitments. “I’m sorry, that’s past bedtime, so we won’t be able to make it.” Or, “A new baby means staying away from crowds and lots of germs, but I hope your pimple popping party goes well!”

If the situation warrants it, throw someone else under the bus! But at the same time…

Don’t Drag it Out

Make it quick, concise and move on. Walk away if you have to, but debating your answer or apologizing over and over isn’t going to help anyone.

Be Firm

Sometimes, the polite answer is met with pleading and a guilt-trip. “But I don’t have any other options for babysitters right now and if I don’t get my eyebrows done today, then they won’t be able to get me in until next month!”

Don’t give in. If it doesn’t work for you, it doesn’t work for you. “I’m sorry, but the answer is still no. Good Luck!”

Offer an Alternative

Those cute Girl Scouts came to my door recently and asked to buy cookies. Okay, the truth is I didn’t tell them no, because I love Girl Scout Cookies. But a lot of other fundraisers come knocking and selling products I don’t want or need.

So if I can afford it, my answer is “I’m sorry I don’t need any more wrapping paper right now, but I’d love to make a $10 donation instead. Let me get my checkbook.” Or if I can’t afford it, an offer to help in another way, like being an usher at the school play instead of paying to see it. I recently turned down my brother’s request for childcare by offering to do it another time.

Say Yes

What?! This was a list about saying no!

But there will always be times when you want to say no, but yes is still the right thing to say. Or that you want to say yes, even though it’s a stretch for you this week.

So say yes. Occasionally, that’s going to be okay.